I’ll probably die by my own hand, unless someone else beats me to it. It is a dark thing to say, but if you know me, you also know I say things the way I feel them with no filter whatsoever. Sometimes in 2021, I opened up about living with mental illness. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD, or post-traumatic stress disorder in 2016. It was discussed previously. So, I’m not going to get back to it. But I said what I said, and I meant it. I should probably give you a warning. This post is going to be as real as I can get, and you might not feel comfortable reading it. So, proceed at your own risk.
Lately, I have been going through another depressive episode. Depression can cause feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and even helplessness, among the feelings. It can also lead to thoughts of suicide, which is when someone has thoughts about ending their life. And that’s where I have been. Now, some people would say things like, “how selfish of you to want to kill yourself. How ungrateful you are. You have a good job with a stable income. You are monetized on YouTube (link). You have a life that many dream of.”, and so on. While all those may – or not – be true, in this context it is not just stupid but ignorant. Robin Williams seemed to have a life that many dream of. So did Marilyn Monroe, Dalida, Anthony Bourdain, Avicii, Chester Bennington, and many more who checked themselves out. Notice the use of the word “seemed”. That is because unless you have been in someone’s shoes and walked in their steps, you will never truly know what life is like for them.
As I was saying, the depression came back. Not that it ever left. I believe I am on the brighter side now, the dark humor arena. Yes, telling dark jokes is the bright side of my depression, a statement that is in itself dark humor. But my dark jokes are usually an indication that I am getting back up. What started it all this time? What triggered the episode? I am not sure. But what I am sure of is that every possible issues in my life got my focus, and I am angry. You see, I am not one to play the victim in life. As a matter of fact, I hate the victimhood mentality, and that’s mainly because with the life that I have had, with all possible opportunities that I was given to end up on the darker side of life, I did not. And trust me, the opportunities where there. So, playing the victim is not something I will ever entertain. I usually do not complain either, and just learned to adapt to as many situations as possible because of the life that I was assigned. But this does not mean that I have to “suck it up” too in the face of unfairness because even if I have as far as I am concerned, there is always a time when enough is enough.
I am angry. You see, though I live in the United States, I was not born here. I moved here in the pursuit of my dreams. But this country that I have loved forever and would fight for does not love me back. At least, its politicians don’t. Never in my life have I been illegal in this country. As a matter of fact, I followed the legal channels to immigrate, but somehow, it feels like I am being punished for it. Though I cannot get into details, the United States of Citizenship and Immigration Services, or USCIS, has been sitting on my immigration case since January 2017. That’s about 5 years and 9 months at the time I am typing this.
The case is not lost somewhere. I know because it had to move states when I relocated to Washington, where I now live, and it did. It is just assigned to no one and no one cares. The previous administration made it so people can jump the line now. Someone could come today and file the same immigration petition and they would be served and their petition grated before me. Me and people in the same boat, waiting for years and even decades for some, we can screw ourselves. This current administration does not care either. Their focus seems to be on legalizing illegal immigration, which is a slap to my face and those like me who did everything right to immigrate legally because the message seems to be that we should have not wasted money and time and instead should have just crossed borders illegally. The fight is on legalizing the undocumented and others here illegally with no care for me and those like me stuck in limbo in the legal immigration system. How fair is that? Now, do not get me wrong. I am for immigration as long as it is done through legal channels. Because rules exist for a reason. If you are making rules and bending them when you like it, then those rules don’t have a place anymore and you should not be in charge. People immigrate here for various reasons, and just because I don’t talk about my immigration case publicly does not mean that I have it easy. So, I am angry.
USCIS does not care about me despite me contributing economically to the country. No administration cares about me. My own lawyers don’t care about me either. I could write another piece about these money-hungry incapable morons but this is a story for another time. Back in 2021, I almost lost my chance at my current day job because of the incompetence of my lawyer, and USCIS of course. The lawyer’s assistant had to jump in – after I pressed them – and told me that I had a document in my possession that I could present my future employer (now current) in lieu of the work authorization document that I was still waiting from USCIS. My own lawyer was too stupid to tell me that.
So, you see, as if it was not enough to be frustrated with the US government, I have to suffer the nonchalance and lack of knowledge of my so-called attorneys. And because USCIS is not going to do anything about my case unless they’re forced to, according to my incapable legal representation, my only option to see movement in my immigration case is to file the Writ of Mandamus, a legal suit against USCIS to force them to do their job. You think it is cheap? Think again. I need a total of $5,500 for that, which I do not currently have. But Lola, are you not an aerospace engineer for a Fortune 500 company? Yes, I am.
But I am also coming from a three-year unemployment during which I maxed out my credit cards to maintain a roof over my head. So, I may have a great job with a stable income, but I see none of it at the moment because 98% of it goes toward paying off my credit cards debts, avoiding eviction and avoiding vehicle repossession (despite having 3 months left to pay off the vehicle finally). So, no, life has not been kind to me, and I have had to fight every single second that I am awake for every single thing. And that is tiring. I am not saying that everything should be handed to me. On the other hand, I should not have to fight for every single thing either. I kid you not, if basic human functions such as breathing for instance were not automatic, I would probably fight for those too. It is tiring. I am tired. So, with my immigration case pending with USCIS, my livelihood and life as a whole are at their mercy. Everything is hanging in the air, and I am passed for a lot of opportunities because I just don’t have the “right” paperwork to take them as USCIS is insuring that. I am not illegal. But I am not legal either, even though I am legally allowed to live and work in the country. I have not seen my parents in 5 years (2017), and my brothers in 8 (2014). We have to rely on technology and long-distance bonding. Meanwhile, USCIS folks have their families around and are free to do whatever whenever.
It’s been 9 months since I have moved to Washington. Beasts Train Mean LLC (BTM) has not moved yet because I need money and lawyers for it as well, money that again, I do not currently have. So, I cannot accept clients until the business is registered in Washington.
I mentioned eviction earlier. This is something still hanging over my head at the moment I am typing this. I had to pledge all my paychecks for the month of September to catch up on the lateness in my rent fees that occurred because of unforeseen situations. And that pledge also meant skipping two payments of my car loan. I had to make the decision between saving the roof over my head at the risk of losing my vehicle or do the opposite. I chose the former. I am still pleading with the agencies behind both, trying to offer solutions that would appease them.
I also need a small business grant for BTM. I have been applying but I keep not being selected. I need money to make money, and I cannot seem to find help there either. So, at the moment, BTM is a failure. I am a failure. You know, I have considered creating a GoFundMe and asking people to help me support BTM. I also considered one to help me with a portion of my legal fees. But I let those ideas go because I am a nobody that most don’t care about. This is not a pity party. I am just calling a spade a spade based on the life that I have lived and my own experiences. People would be quicker to donate money to celebrities than to a regular Joe or Jane. I am no celebrity. So, why would people give me their money, right?
Despite all the assistance that I need, people would find any reason to justify why I don’t deserve financial support. That’s just what people do, and in doing so, what they’re actually doing is hiding their own hypocrisy and more importantly hiding themselves behind the fact that they just don’t want to see you succeed. Because that is what it is. The financial support that I need is for BTM. If BTM succeeds, I succeed. Being a regular Jane, it is not good. So, to prevent that from happening, they would rather support a perfect stranger who does not know them and are already making banks as a celebrity. This is human nature. People do not donate to my BuyMeACoffee. It is not a GoFundMe that I would create that they would donate to. This is by no mean me crying that people don’t donate to me as I could be accused of if the wrong person comes across this post. I am simply calling a spade a spade, and you who are reading this might be that way too. The truth is not always comfortable.
On top of that, there is my perpetual dissatisfaction of YouTube. You see, I love being a content creator. I love making videos and I am good at it. This is not me being boastful. When you publish content that amazes people who don’t know you and have them ask you why you don’t have a bigger platform, that’s your work speaking for you. I am not the best content creator out there, but my content does not suck either. But somehow, the algorithms on YouTube seem to have something against my channels. And you know, the funny thing is that I think YouTube themselves know it because I firmly believe that they’re making up for it in the way they work individually with me.
Let me explain. Most YouTubers would tell you how extremely difficult and even impossible at time it is to reach a human at YouTube and have their issues resolved. This includes big YouTubers with millions of subscribers. Yet, every single time that I have reached out to YouTube for any issues that their bots would cause on my channels or claims and so on, my issues would be resolved and in a short amount of time. And I am a micro creator. Again, I am not boasting. As a matter of fact, I feel privileged for the treatment and have tried to maintain that because not every YouTubers has it. But I cannot hide the fact that their bots have something against my channels, and this is an issues that some bigger YouTubers have talked about as well as they’ve seen it with their own channels and some others. So, unlike what the fake YouTube gurus and so-called experts would say, the answer is not, “just make good content” as they all love to say. If that was the case, they themselves would have massive views on their channels on every single upload. They don’t. If you have, say, 500,000 subscribers and your videos make 10,000 views each for instance, though 10,000 views is an amazing number, for a channel that size, it is not good. The translation there would be that 490,000 of your subscribers don’t like your content, and therefore your content sucks. So, why don’t you make good content asshat?
These are only the surface of my issues. I am not talking about them because I want attention or I am a cry-baby. As a matter of fact, anyone who would read this and think I am weak is weaker because if they were given only 5 minutes to spend in my shoes, living the life that I have been given, most of them if not all of them would check themselves out within those 5 minutes. I am strong and I know it for having gone through so much that I have not even mentioned. But I am also tired of being strong.
At times through this dark phase of the depression, I would hurt myself with food. I would binge whether I was hungry or not, and it would be junk food, which does make me sick, always. But I did not care because the goal was to hurt myself. Then, I would think of the idiots in the Fat Acceptance, and you know, no matter how much I want to hurt myself and even check out, I never want to look like any of those morbidly obese entitled degenerates.
This latest depressive episode still thought me a few things about myself too. It is in this episode that I noticed some phases in the episodes. The first one would be binging. I have never been diagnosed with binge eating disorder, but I know I binge eat within the first stage of a depressive episode. I do not purge, though. I just overeat and then cry because I hate life in general in those moments, and myself for eating that crap knowing very well what would come afterward.
Then I go on shopping sprees. Well, this time I did not because again, I cannot. Remember, I pledged all my paychecks toward my apartment so I have a place to live. But I would spend a lot of time on Amazon, putting stuffs in my cart. I guess I can say it is a good thing I currently have “no money to spend” because that Amazon cart and other stores carts have a good $6,000 – rounded up – goods combined, all for BTM. And this is the thing. My expenses are almost always for BTM.
After the binging phase would come the opposite, the fasting phase. All those behaviors are not voluntary per se, but they happen. In the fasting phase, I would just not be hungry. That’s usually when my body would remember those years of not being fed when growing up and acclimating to those conditions. So, I would again forget about eating and when I would eat, eating in itself would be very painful to the point that it just makes sense not to eat anymore. At the time I am typing this I am still in this phase. But I am also in the next one, the dark humor one. This is usually the road back up. I guess I am in a transitional phase.
While in this latest depressive episode, I also discovered a new passion, reading horror stories. And I am not bad at it either. There is a whole niche about it on YouTube, lots of channels where people simply read creepypastas as they’re called. I did my research on the niche, listened to a few storytellers, and I have also been learning about storytelling and narrating those stories. There are plenty of creepypastas available on the Internet. I picked some and recorded myself reading them out loud. It turned out I enjoy listening to my own self read. I learned acting in highschool and even participated in dramatic art for three years.
We would perform in front of big crowds and perform at festivals too, playing a few nights in a row, each year. I use that experience in my readings, and my ears quite like it as much as I enjoy reading those stories out loud, acting them, and record myself doing so. It’s been good therapy during these dark times I have been in, and I came up with the idea that if I am helping myself that way, then I could do the same for others as depression affects many others as well. My next step was to create a brand new YouTube channel, and I am very excited about it. For 3-4 months I prepared and worked toward that channel, and now it is here! The official start is October 1, 2022, the first day that the first video would premiere. It made sense to start a horror storytelling YouTube channel in the month of October, and on there I have a story for each day all the way to Halloweeen! Of course, this new channel is not just going to be a month project. I will continue it alongside the BTM channel. So, I will upload more stories as we go.
Despite everything being and feeling bleak around me, I did find something that I enjoyed doing and went for it. So, I guess things are not all bleak after all. It does not change that I am still angry and feel hopeless and helpless. I still have issues that are bigger than myself, and my entire life and livelihood hanging in the air at the pleasure of USCIS. I don’t know what’s coming ahead, or how to proceed, but in the meantime, I have to remain grateful. I may be angry but I have always been grateful for all that I have at the moment. Some people would say, “be grateful for what you have because it could be worse.” Even if that is true, that is also something stupid to say to someone going through what they perceive as dark.
Why do I think that? Because I am not a fan of toxic positivity. I believe that people are entitled to their own emotions and feelings. People have the right to feel the way they feel and it’s no one’s job to tell them how to feel about XYZ situations. We all experience life differently, and the least we can do is empathize with others when they tell us how they feel, help find a solution or shut up and just listen. No one should force their beliefs on others. So, even though things might be worse for me, and they have been, it does not mean that I have to accept the injustice done to me and those in similar situations as me by USCIS and this administration. We, the forgotten ones, deserve better.
This current depressive episode also showed me that despite the fact that I believe that I am a nobody that no one cares about, there are some people who do care about me despite never having met me. I am talking about the community that I have been building on YouTube with BTM. Those faithful individuals who watch my videos weekly despite fighting their own battles daily, subscribed to the channel, and have been showing their support as I work my way back from this place. I love each and every one of them, and I am grateful that they are here, my Beasties.
I will continue the fight as best as possible. But I am not going to lie, it’s harder and harder, and I might one day take the Reaper’s hand. I don’t currently sleep. I can’t no matter how tired I am. Sleep just has left me, and it is my hope that it returns soon. In the meantime, the Reaper is my constant companion, the one sitting by the end of the bed, in the passenger seat, by my desk at work, or in the studio, always with me everywhere, offering a hand that I keep turning down.
Now, if it is not too much to ask of you, would you please consider clicking the button below and supporting my work however you can? No pressure, but I would appreciate anything as it would go toward the funds for my legal battles with USCIS. Thank you very much for reading, and until next time, hug your loved ones and remember to train mean.